glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
