I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
