dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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