sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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