I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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