so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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