i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize
