Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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