Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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