it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
