At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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