its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
