the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
