If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
