Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
