We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
