you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
