haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
