I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
