I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
