he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
