yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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