i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
