If i could tip my vagina, i would.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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