Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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