grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
