Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
