i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
