He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
