Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
