You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
