all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
