We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
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