my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
