umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
