i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
