you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
