What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
