So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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