i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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