Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
