On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
