I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
