get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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