I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
