It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
