I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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