he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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