i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
