Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
