First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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